


Leonard McCoy's First Letter Home

by seashadows



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-05
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-10 11:52:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/785764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seashadows/pseuds/seashadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what it says on the tin. </p><p>It's crack and I make absolutely no apologies (although it'll make a lot more sense if you listen to "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah").</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leonard McCoy's First Letter Home

  
Hello Mama, hello Daddy,  
Here I am at Fleet Acad’my   
It is very…entertaining,   
_to say the least_  
and they say we’ll have some fun if it stops raining.  
 _Seriously. Whoever says California doesn’t have weather is a serious bullshitter. My pants STILL aren’t dry._   
Some kid came in with “the urpies,”   
Turned out he had Vulcan herpes  
 _yes, it exists, although how it crossed the species border, I’ll never know. I don’t think I_ want _to know._   
You remember that kid Chekov?   
There’s a gang of morons tried to pull his leg off.  
 _I’m not kidding. They tried to pull it off – said he was running away from them too fast or something. Of COURSE he was!_   
All us students hate the testing  
My damn roommate’s always “resting”   
_more like jacking off_   
And the trainers want no sissies  
So they read us all these versions of ‘Ulysses.’   
_in Vulcan, in Andorian, in goddamn fuckin’ Tellarite…_   
Now, I don’t want this should scare ya  
(Jim Kirk says that I should spare ya)  
You remember Cadet Hardy?   
They’re about to organize a searching party.  
 _Waste of time, in my opinion. The kid was drunk off his ass – why do they want to bother looking for him? Not like he’ll make much of an officer, anyway._   
I’ll come home, oh, Mama, Daddy,  
I hate this goddamn Academy,  
Don’t let me stay in these buildings where  
I might get caught in someone’s snare  
 _pranks are a big thing here_   
I’ll come home, I promise I will not make noise  
Or get shit-drunk with other boys.   
Oh, please don’t make me stay,  
I’ve been here one…whole…day…  
 _All right, so it’s really been three weeks. Forgive me for dramatizing the most shit-tastic situation ever._   
Dearest parents, Mama’s brother,   
Hey Joanna, how’s your mother?   
_Bitch. Shit! Forget I said that about her, okay, darlin’?_   
Let me come home if you miss me  
I will even let the ex-wife hug and kiss me.  
 _If she doesn’t get me with the pepper spray first._   
Wait a minute…it’s stopped hailing  
Kids are swimming, kids are sailing  
 _and being safe, thank the good lord in heaven_  
Running drills…I _guess_ that’s better.   
Mama, Daddy, kindly disregard this letter.   
_I was drunk._  
Love,  
Leonard.


End file.
